[George Lyons]

[Ace917]

[Nancy]

Originally Posted by Bren

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in
to her most intimate desires. He will make
sure she always feels as though she's the
most beautiful woman in the room and will
enable her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible...



No wait...sorry...I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all
that.......

Never mind.

Worthy of being on the next page.

[Joe Szulczewski]

Now that the truth is told, there're an awful lot of deflated egos floating around out there. Thanks for the reality check

[Bren]

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger.
When you notice this,try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed
she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets
home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is
not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that
door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get
them done before she goes to bed.
I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider
telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more
quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just
can't make another trip down those steps.
I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting,or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to
Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell
her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and
muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get
the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a
casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for
her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good
as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my
after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the
trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse,so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can
talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other...

Signed, Ron


EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday, April 24. He was found with
an extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Screw Driver II rammed up
his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie
was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that
he accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday, April 25.

[Barry]

HELP!
( You touched a nerve there quite a few times)
I'm off to bed feeling guilty now.

[Joe Szulczewski]

Bren,
I think you missed a paragraph or two in the story. Seems like the husband's retirement revived the primal urge and when the wife was too tired to "satisfy his urges and needs" that he got angry, resentful and blew a fuse. She did put up a good "self defense" plea at her trial.

[sschweiger]

Don't know how many of you caught this on Jonathan's show early today, and I wasn't sure how or where to post it, so...

...he was talking about out-of-town musicals, and how composers and lyricists rework shows to get them ready for Broadway. He was discussing "Show Boat," in particular, and how Kern & Hammerstein dropped a song because the show was running too long. He said Sinatra,though, recorded it. And closed with, "1927," referring to the "Show Boat" premiere. And the song played was...

"BIM BAM BABY" !!

written by my Uncle's friend, Sammy Mysels, in '52, and recorded by Frank in '53. Kern may have written the music, but the lyrics are not quite Hammerstein-like! Thought you might find this amusing.

[Patti]

Bren,
That was really good!

[George Lyons]

Touche and OUCH!, Bren

[Bren]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
>
>
> Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
>
> Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now

[Ace917]

[Nancy]

Bren!

[Joe Szulczewski]

Is it Bren or Dino?

[Bren]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[Bren]

The Power of a Badge......

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.

No questions asked or answers given.

Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand? "



The rancher nods politely and Re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field.


"See this badge? The officer shouts again.

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, anywhere.

No questions asked.

Now Have I made myself clear?

Do You Understand? "

The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



" Your BADGE, Show him your BADGE !!!! "

[Nancy]

[Joe Szulczewski]

Couple of questions.................
But.....isn't i the badge that got him into the mess in the first place? Is he any relation to Ken?

Thanks for the laughs.......: pie:

[Bren]

One of my friends has been trying to keep up with technology. He’s a bit old fashioned, and a bit of a chauvinist, but he is trying.

First up, he bought his son an iPod.


Secondly, he bought his daughter an iPad.


He finally bought himself an iPhone.


He couldn’t think what to get his wife, but he finally went out and bought her an iRON.



And that’s when the fight started…

[Gerald]