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Thread: Jokes from Nancy's crazy friends

  1. #321
    johnofphilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy View Post
    I love this...(condom mascot attachment from post #284)
    Profound. Containment over content or contentment.
    ......pick yourself up...... ......dust yourself off...... ......start all over again...... (my e-mail)

  2. #322
    Nancy's Avatar
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    1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    (written by kids)

    -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kristen, age 10

    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    -- Camille, age 10

    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8

    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8

    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10

    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    -When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - - Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - - Howard, age 8

    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9

    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is.......


    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
    -- Ricky, age 10



    ~ From my cousin, Bob.
    DON'T DESPAIR

  3. #323
    Ace917's Avatar
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    Now, THOSE are funny!!

    (A dump truck??? )
    Pack a small bag....

  4. #324
    Dina's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy View Post
    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    Rather cynical for a 10-year-old but, unfortunately, pretty close to the truth!
    Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~ Maya Angelou

  5. #325
    sschweiger's Avatar
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    Those wonderfully funny kids' quotes brought back nice memories of Art Linkletter's "Kids Say The Darndest Things!"
    Stanley

  6. #326
    Joe Szulczewski's Avatar
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    Kid stuff is great. Thanks.
    Out of the tree of life, I picked me a plum

  7. #327
    Nancy's Avatar
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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said,'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    [from my cousin Bob]
    DON'T DESPAIR

  8. #328
    sabaue's Avatar
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    You can't have everything... where would you put it?
    Sally

  9. #329
    George Lyons's Avatar
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    The pissah in the joke a couple of incarnations ago was a little old lady being foreclosed on.... but it works every time.
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons

  10. #330
    Joe Szulczewski's Avatar
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    Out of the tree of life, I picked me a plum

  11. #331
    Nancy's Avatar
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    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

    8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

    ___________________________________________

    FREE PUPPIES

    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    ________________________________________________

    FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    __________________________________________________ ______

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    __________________________________________________ ___________

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

    Worn once by mistake.

    Call Stephanie.

    __________________________________________________ ________

    And the WINNER is...


    FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

    No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


    (Statement of the Century)

    __________________________________________________ _______


    Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.



    "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

    How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

    __________________________________________________ ________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

    TEACHER: No, that's wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this child)

    ____________________________________________

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER: What are you talking about?

    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

    MILLIE: I is..

    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    ______________________________

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher

    __________________________________

    Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

    ___________________________________
    ~ From my uncle...
    DON'T DESPAIR

  12. #332
    Brian S's Avatar
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    Smile

    Classic.


  13. #333
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    Billy Connolly's "Thought" is terrific! I'll repeat it for my fellow AVIS drivers tomorrow! Thank you, Nancy!
    Stanley

  14. #334
    Joe Szulczewski's Avatar
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    Though some of the kids gags are showing age wrinkles, they're still too good to be made up.
    Out of the tree of life, I picked me a plum

  15. #335
    johnofphilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy View Post
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

    TEACHER: No, that's wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this child)

    ____________________________________________
    One I once heard, similar:

    TEACHER: How do you spell McDonald's?

    STUDENT: Ah know !!! - E I E I O !
    ......pick yourself up...... ......dust yourself off...... ......start all over again...... (my e-mail)

  16. #336
    Keith's Avatar
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    let the music play as long as there's a song to sing

  17. #337
    Nancy's Avatar
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    More from my cousin Bob. Oldies but, though not ha-ha funny they may bring a smile.
    Subject: Church Bulletin Notes
    These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
    The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

    Smile at someone who is hard to love.

    Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow...

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
    All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
    Is done.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
    would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
    Please use the back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    DON'T DESPAIR

  18. #338
    Nancy's Avatar
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    This is probably already out here on our site but just in case...

    http://sciencedude.ocregister.com/20...usands/168417/
    DON'T DESPAIR

  19. #339
    bigtom55's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy View Post
    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
    Nancy . . . a great one, I can picture my father doing the same thing.
    Last edited by Ace917; 03-23-2012 at 06:06 PM. Reason: fixed quote

    Sicilian pride forever

  20. #340
    Nancy's Avatar
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    Don't get mad, get even.

    A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines.

    United Airline breaks his guitar; he pays them back

    United apparently damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500) during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for youtube exposing
    their lack of cooperation.

    The Manager responded: "Good luck with that one, pal."

    So he posted a retaliatory video on youtube. The video has since received over 6 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video.

    Naturally his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal."

    Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has led to a sharp increase in orders.

    Here's the video.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5YGc4zOqozo
    DON'T DESPAIR

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