[Maureen]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[Maureen]

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their Hometown to attend their 45th class reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to
the French Riviera for two weeks,' and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says,> 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to
shoulder on my husband's erect penis.' After silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,

'Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just
trying to impress you. We're not really going to the
French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's'
house for two weeks.' The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't
buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Ford Focus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I also have a
confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one
leg.'

Hope this doesnt offend anyone Please remove it if it is too rude

[Greggie]

[George Lyons]

Maureen!

[voice1]

Gij's carries 67 amoebae.

[George Lyons]

You said you weren't looking........
Talk about, "how's your bird?"

[voice1]

I saw the documentary on YouTube. You posted it. The microscope was fascinating. I also was gobsmacked watching you coax the amoebae onto their....perch.

[George Lyons]

Uh, okay.

I'm afraid to comment...but this cracked me up. And...the joke ...too

Classic!!! Thanks for that one.

[sabaue]

Love it- good for her!

[George Lyons]

Rick's got a fever, Mike.

[Maureen]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a vets. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, he shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, your pet is dead."

The distressed woman wails, "Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure, the duck is dead." he replies. "How can you be so sure?” she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing - he might be in a coma or something." The vet rolls his eyes, turns and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. The ducks owner looks on in amazement as the dog stands on his hind legs and puts his front paws on the table and sniffs the duck from top to bottom. He looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog and takes it out and returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table sniffs the bird from beak to tail and back, shakes it’s head, jumps down and leaves the room. The vet looks at the woman and says "I'm sorry, but this duck is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck." He turns to his computer, hits a few keys, and produces a bill which he gives her. Still in shock, she takes the bill "$450!" she cries. "That much to tell me the duck is dead."

The vet shrugs. "If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been $30. But with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up."

[johnofphilly]

Let's hope he's a good vet and lavishes the likes of roast duck on his two lovely assistants.

[Greggie]

Maureen, this is sooooo funny. I just can't stop laughing.

[Suzanna]

Awesome! I can't wait to pass this one on!

[Maureen]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly ranted & raved that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to threaten about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand and come forward?

Not one hand went up, nobody moved ... so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.

[George Lyons]

Good one, Maureen!

[Nancy]

[Maureen]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"