[Gary]

Like an annoying uncle at a wedding I present the following to make you groan and wince so as someone in the crowd would say; "Who the bloody hell invited him? I'm glad he's from your side of the family".

A large company feeling the pinch of the global credit crunch decided it was time for a shake-up and hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked; "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked; "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. He walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken".

[George Lyons]

Egg timers's a classic - I hadn't heard the Domino's one,
it's a gasser that will go out with today's e-mail -
you're a funny man, Gary

[Gary]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,... 'Ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed...
'Good,' she replied...'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence... he farted.

[George Lyons]

[voice1]

These jokes i first heard in 1966 or '67. And Gary is a very funny man but looks aren't everything, ya know.

I heard it too, maybe '65...on vinyl... (J/K)

Good one!!! Even my wife liked it...until the final punch line...

[George Lyons]

Rick, you wouldn't know "funny" if you stepped in it.
But that would be funny.

[Gary]

I never said they were good much less original but see how you all go with this one.

A guy was wandering around the red light district in Amsterdam and looking at the fine displays in the windows. He saw a woman who took his fancy and he walked up and tapped on the window.
" How much?" He asked.
"800 Euro" said the woman
"Geez that a bit expensive isnt it?" He said
"Yeah" said the woman "But it is double glazed"

[Ace917]

I think the older ones are better, Gaz.

[sabaue]

Gary,
Have you considered a career doing standup comedy?

[George Lyons]

Don't care what Rick thinks....Gary's one funny bastard....