[Leanne]

This thread is for jokes about people or animals walking into pubs.

A man walked into a pub and asked the barman for a pint. The barman serves him and says to the customer:

"Do you want to see something amazing?"

"Yes", replied the customer.

The barman puts a box on the bar and takes the top and sides away to reveal a small man playing the piano.

The customer is amazed and asks "How did you get that?".

The barman produces a fairy in a jar and tells the customer he made a wish.

"Can I try?", asked the customer.

The barman agrees and the customer closes his eyes and makes a wish.

A few seconds later, the bar is full of ducks, flapping around and quacking and stuff.

The customer says "I asked for 2,000 bucks, not 2,000 ducks.

The barman says, "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Leanne]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman: "Have you got any bread?"

Astonished at the sight of the talking duck the man replies "No mate we're a pub, we dont sell bread! sorry!"

"Ok then" says the duck and walks to the pub door.

The duck then turns around, and walks back to the bar and says "Excuse me mate have you got any bread?"

The barman replies "Look, we're a pub we dont sell bread, we sell bitter, lager, wine and so on," so the duck says "Ok" and walks to the pub door

The duck then stops, turns around walks back to the bar and repeats "Excuse me mate have you got any bread?"

The barman (getting a bit angry now) says "Look, if you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your beak to this counter! Now (duck) off!"

The duck, scared by the mans anger runs off to the pub door and hides peeking around the side of the door.

He then bravely walks back up to the counter and asks "Excuse me mate, have you got any nails?"

"NO!!!!" says the barman in a rage.

"Well in that case then, have you got any bread?"

Leanne,

These are hysterical! I can't stop laughing. Thanks!! I'd love to hear more!

[Leanne]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[Ace917]

A horse walks into the pub, and the barkeep asks, "Why the long face?"

<groan>

[Leanne]

A blind man enters a "Women Only Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
Immediately the bar falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.


Now think about it seriously, sir. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head then declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Leanne]

A man walks into a bar with jumper cables. The barman says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

[Leanne]

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The barman says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Leanne,

They are great! I loved them! Please keep them coming!

[Leanne]

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer..............and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Leanne,

Funny! Please keep them coming! Thanks!!!!

A man walks into a bar and and walks up to the cigarette vending machine.

"Sod off you disgusting smelly pratt!" says the vending machine.

Startled the the man walks over to the bar and notices a bowl of peanuts.

"Wow!" said the peanuts, "You are the most handsome sweet smelling man I've ever met!"

Even more confused the man asked the bartender "What's going on?"

The bartender replied, "The cigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary"

Paul,

Love the joke! So funny! Please keep them coming!

and says "bartender...get me a shot of whiskey."

Guys spills it all over the bar. Bartender says "your already drunk..get out of here."

Next night same guy comes in and asks the bartender for more whiskey which he spills all over. Bartender says "drunk again! Get out of here."

Third night same guy comes in and orders a whiskey which he spills and the bartender says "Get out of here your drunk."

Guy leaves and the bartender says to the Busboy.."that guys a pain in the ass..follow him and see what he's up to!"

Busboy comes back an hour later and the bartender says "where did my favorite drunk go??"

Busboy says "To your house."

Leanne,

Thanks!!!

So funny!

Would love to hear more!