[Karyn]

[Richard]

This is an old one, but it is still pretty funny.

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Dan goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in hospital.

"How are you Grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?" wonders Dan.

"Terrific, wonderful menus," smiles Grandpa.

"And the nurses?" asks Dan.

"Just couldn't be better," nods Grandpa. "Those Sisters of Mercy really know how to take care of you."

"What about sleeping?" questions Dan. "Are you still having trouble sleeping?"

"No problem at all," says Grandpa. "Nine hours solid, every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson, puzzled and quite alarmed by this, rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," Dan demands. "My 85-year-old grandfather says that you're giving him Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true!?"

"Oh, yes," admits the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[Richard]

this is old, but still funny

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A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to promise you are single and #2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

[Nancy]

[Richard]

Paul was eating dinner in a fancy French restaurant. There was a gorgeous blond dining all by herself at the next table. Paul had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards Paul. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry," the woman said, as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you a bottle of wine to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited Paul to her place for a nightcap.

So after a couple of drinks at her house, she led him into the bedroom and began undressing him. They had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning, Paul awoke to the aroma hot coffee, bacon and eggs -- which she served to him in bed.

Paul was amazed. "You know, you are really the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she smiled. "You just happened to catch my eye"

[Richard]

A father and son went pheasant hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet! I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' -- I guess I just panicked."

Tony

Richard
That goes way back, but always a good laff

[Gerald]

[Steve Lorenzo]

[Richard]

I just got these from my cousin. They are old, but still funny -- to me at least.

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If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, It will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits there in your living room, messes up all of your stuff, eats all of your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't realize that you had set it free...You either married it or gave birth to it.

----------------------------------------

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, "Pepper."

-----------------------------------------

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous, large-breasted, young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years -- let alone one as beautiful as you. Please just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember our lives may depend on it."

"Darling," whispered the wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really sexy butt."

[Nancy]

<< "Pepper." >>

Richard,
I just recieved this in the mail aswell

Still funny

the best!
Sarah

[Gerald]

[Richard]

[Sorry, Chad... ]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

The following year, looking forward to another exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here; we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin'. Finally we all decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

jokes. Good one!

[Richard]

Three golfers were standing on the first tee, about to hit, when a beautiful young woman approached and asked if she could make up a foursome. Naturally, the men were delighted to have the company of such a stunning female.

The young lady was given the honor and proceeded to hook her shot out of sight, into the thick bush.

The first man teed off, caressing his drive 220 yards straight down the center of the fairway.

"What a wonderful drive," commented the woman.

"Not bad for a man with a wooden leg," replied the first golfer.

The young lady, disbelief evident on her face, required proof of this handicap.

Player one promptly sat down and, to the sounds of squeaking and rattling, proceeded to unscrew his leg.

The woman was flabbergasted. The second man then addressed his ball and drove it 250 yards to the left-hand edge of the fairway.

Once again the young lady made comment on the magnificence of the drive.

"Not bad for a man with an artificial arm," stated the second golfer.

The young lady was skeptical, so player 2, to the sounds of screeching metal, unscrewed his arm as proof.

Again the young lady was astounded.

The third golfer walked up to the tee and monstered his ball 320 yards to the edge of the green.

The woman, by now almost speechless, could only manage a muttered, "Unbelievable."

"Thank you," was his reply, "I shall help you look for your ball," he said to the beautiful young lady.

The young lady and the third golfer, set off to search the bush for the lost ball, while the other two players strolled down the center of the fairway.

"I wonder why Bill didn't let on about his artificial heart," said the first golfer to the second.

Suddenly, the quiet was interrupted by the sounds of moans and groans and rattling scrub. The two players rushed to where the sounds were coming from, and sure enough, there was Bill, screwing his heart out.