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Thread: Ace's joke list

  1. #641
    Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go....
    Pack a small bag....


  2. #643
    Quote Originally Posted by Ace917 View Post
    Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go....
    Maybe they'll use it to raise the bar.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  3. < groan >

  4. #645
    Quote Originally Posted by Ace917 View Post
    How low can you go....
    If this wasn't a family site and I could do most of my material, I reckon I could get so low that I could parachute off a bus ticket and free fall most of the way!

  5. #646
    I fully intend to make my lawn chicken proof this season. It will be impeccable.
    Rick
    The enemy of truth is distortion.


  6. #648
    Quote Originally Posted by voice1 View Post
    I fully intend to make my lawn chicken proof this season. It will be impeccable.
    Pack a small bag....

  7. #649
    Quote Originally Posted by voice1 View Post
    I fully intend to make my lawn chicken proof this season. It will be impeccable.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  8. #650
    My answer of chicken was met with very strange looks. Turns out they weren't asking who I like in the soup bowl but rather who I like in the super bowl

  9. #651
    Pack a small bag....

  10. #652
    I made my iphone angry this morning. I asked, "Hey Siri, what is the current time in Hong Kong." She said, "the current time in Hong Kong is 1:36 pm and don't call me Shirley." I forgot I had her in Airplane mode.
    Rick
    The enemy of truth is distortion.

  11. #653
    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where....

    1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
    6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
    OR
    You can retire to California where...

    1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
    OR
    You can retire to New York City where...

    1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to ‪Battery Park‬, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
    OR
    You can retire to Minnesota where...

    1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
    2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
    3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
    6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"
    OR
    You can retire to The Deep South where...

    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
    6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!
    OR
    You can move to Colorado where...

    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
    OR
    You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...

    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
    OR
    FINALLY you can retire to Florida where..

    1. You eat dinner ‪at 3:15‬ in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. ✨
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons

  12. #654
    I'm retired in New York. With a few allowances, that's pretty much it. Even folks who come in from the boroughs for an evening or an outing say they are going to the city. That's because, you know, Manhattan is the city.
    Robert

  13. #655
    As far as the City is concerned, Frank and Liza have it right....."If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere...."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

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