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Thread: Ace's joke list

  1. #1

    Ace's joke list

    Quickie #1

    One day, Felix came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

    "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

    So he tied her up and went fishing.

    Quickie #2

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?!"

    "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

    Quickie #3

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

    "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
    Pack a small bag....

  2. #2



  3. #3
    Just read them aloud and got three big laughs from a sophisticated audience of one. I credit the material.

  4. #4
    Great Ace !!!


  5. << Three quickies >> I was thinking of something else, excellent Ace
    Mustn`t grumble.

  6. #6

  7. Ace

    Tell the guy in number 2 "Not so quickie! I think we have a case for 50%! minus my fee, of course.
    "Come Home to NOLA"
    My email is:

  8. case, huh!

    She loves the theatre but never comes late That's why the Lady is a Tramp.

  9. #9
    When You're Here, It's Family

  10. #10

    Ace's joke list

    I think I'll take Marty's advice and confine whatever hopefully new jokes I hear into a single thread.

    This one's for Gary. It's an Aussie tourist Q&A.

    These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour ...

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
    Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
    Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
    Pack a small bag....

  11. #11
    When You're Here, It's Family

  12. #12
    Don't go through life. Grow through life.

  13. #13
    Oh my!

  14. #14
    This is hilarious.
    Grace and Lauren

  15. #15

    Very good Ace, I loved the one about the rattlesnake.

  16. #16

  17. Great stuff, Ace.

  18. #18
    Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.
    Frank Forever

  19. #19

    New Joke

    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park.

    A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

    After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

    He replies, "No, I lived here years ago."

    "So, where have you been all these years?"

    "In prison," he says.

    "Why did they put you in prison?"

    He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

    "Oh!" said the woman.

    "So you're single..."
    Pack a small bag....

  20. #20
    old joke....- BUT STILL FUNNY
    When You're Here, It's Family