Page 32 of 33 FirstFirst ... 2230313233 LastLast
Results 621 to 640 of 655

Thread: Ace's joke list

  1. #621
    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

    'I would like it infrequently, she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered .....
    "Is that one word or two?"
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons

  2. #622
    Bartender says: 

    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." 

    "What do you mean? " said the pirate, "I feel fine." 

    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

    "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a 
cannon ball, but I'm fine now." 

    The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What 
happened to your hand?" 

    The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and 
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook 
but I'm fine, really." 

    "What about that eye patch?" 

    "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds 
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." 

    "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from 
bird shit?" 

    "It was my first day with the hook."
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons

  3. Yikes, that one hurt, George.

  4. HAHA
    A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square

    My favorite song.

  5. #625
    Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
    "The undertaker." says she.
    lost in the stars

  6. #627
    How to begin a celibate life:

    When asked "what's your wife's favorite flower?" reply "Gold Medal."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  7. A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square

    My favorite song.

  8. #629

    A couple of groaners

    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Just follow the fresh prints.

    What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

    Same middle name.
    Pack a small bag....

  9. #630
    let the music play as long as there's a song to sing

  10. #631

    Not what you'd expect at a Starbucks.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  11. Shows the absurdity of it all.

  12. #633
    Pack a small bag....

  13. #634

    This has become too real in my life.

  14. #635
    < groan >

    Pack a small bag....

  15. #636
    Seems like it's da troot...

    Pack a small bag....

  16. #637
    Should be called Clowngress!

    Actually I I may have seen that in a Larson cartoon a few years ago. The man was ahead of his time

  17. #638
    Take this any way that you want. It's a line from tom Selleck on "Blue Bloods." "When the circus leaves town, everybody has fun except the guy who has to clean up after the elephants."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  18. #639
    There's the old line about that guy when asked if he'd ever tire of sweeping the elephant's dung up...."What, and quit Show Business???"
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons

  19. #640
    Real Estate In Louisiana

    This will give you a good laugh and make you sad at the same time!
    Rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina often caused residents to be challenged to prove home titles back hundreds of years.That is because of community history stretching back over two centuries during which houses were passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish a paper trail of ownership.

    A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA rebuilding loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted upon submission of satisfactory proof of ownership of the parcel of property as it was being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer 3 months, but he was able to prove title to the property dating back to 1803. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

    (Actual reply from FHA):

    "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

    And here is the great letter the lawyer responded with:
    (Actual response):

    "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have proof of title extended further than the 206 years already covered in the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working with real property, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin of title identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route toIndia by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
    Now, may we have our damn reconstruction loan?"

    The loan was immediately approved. Not only is this one of the best e-mails, it is a great history lesson.
    When You're Here, It's Family
    Twitter: @GijLyons