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Thread: Joe's Jokes Thread

  1. #1

    Joe's Jokes Thread

    It was their wedding day and this young couple were in the limo on their way to church when they were involved in an accident that killed them both. When they met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they explained their situation and asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
    St. Peter told them that they usually don't do things like that up here, but since happiness is supposed to be happy and eternal in heaven, he'd see what he could do. "Wait here" was the last thing he told them as he left.
    It seemed like old St. Pete was taking forever to get back to them, and the young couple started thinking that maybe getting married in Heaven wasn't such a good idea after all. "What if something happens and the marriage doesn't work out? That would make us both miserable, and that can't happen up here," they thought. "Maybe before we do get married, we sk if we can divorce?"
    After what seemed like an eternity, St. Peter comes back to them, clipboard in hand and tells them "I checked it out and we can marry you up here, after all."
    The young couple then ask St., Peter what happens if the marriage doesn't work out and if they can divorce. At this, St. Peter slams the clipboard down to the ground and bellows:" Look!!!!! It took me this long to find a priest up here. What do you think my chances are of finding a lawyer??????"
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  2. #2
    In ancient Greece a lawyer and a physician were arguing over who has precedence. Unable to agree, they took their case to Diogenes (who, after he ran into these two guys is still looking for an honest man) to resolve. Diogenes ruled in favor of the lawyer with the following......"Let the thief go first, and the executioner to follow."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  3. #3
    Talk about One-Stop Shopping: Have you noticed that more and more, Lawyers' offices are opening in the same buildings as Doctors' offices? Is this so you can get your checkup and file your malpractice suit without having to get in your car?
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  4. #4
    the classic oxymorons:

    Black Light
    Little Giant
    Hot Water Heater
    Benign Tumor
    Rap Music
    Military Justice
    Military Intelligence
    Bubblegum DooWop
    Kosher Ham
    Honest Lawyer
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  5. Those are great, Joe. Commonwealth is oxymoronic.
    ......pick yourself up...... ......dust yourself off...... ......start all over again...... (my e-mail)

  6. #6

    Blonde Mortitian

    From a friend on the web.

    A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing..

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
    check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
    To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must
    compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So I just switched the heads.'
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  7. #7

    Love Dress

    Another from a web friend......

    A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

    She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
    shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
    Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
    "What are you doing?!" she asked.
    "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
    "Love dress? But you're naked!"
    "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
    "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
    he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
    He can't get enough of me"

    The mother-in-law left.

    When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
    dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
    waiting for her husband to arrive.
    Finally, her husband came home.
    He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.
    "This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
    "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

    He never heard the gunshot.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  8. #8
    Got this one passed on from the web........

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

    The little boy replied, 'My Dad dy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  9. #9
    Good one Joe

  10. #10
    From a friend on the web, and it all goes to show that lawyers are truly the larval stage of politicians....................

    > The Haircut
    > One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
    > After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
    > 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this
    > week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    > When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there
    > was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    > Later, a cop comes in
    for a haircut, and when he tries to pay
    > his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you ,
    > doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
    > The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
    > 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
    > Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    > pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
    > I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
    > left the shop.
    > The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
    > dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    > And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
    > between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  11. #11

    Compliance Manager Burnout

    Top 10 Signs That You Have Compliance Managers Burnout,

    10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just,"Hell."

    9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you
    immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

    8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

    7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go
    back to sleep because you just don't care.

    6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to

    5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it
    through Monday.

    4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the
    pager will go off before the alarm does.

    3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID

    2. Your weekly planner exploded a week ago.

    1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in
    jail right now.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  12. #12
    Got these from a friend on the web..........

    [Bad] Puns for All Occasions

    - A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    - What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
    - Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    - A backwards poet writes inverse.
    - In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    - She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    - A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    - If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
    - With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    - Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
    - When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    - The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    - A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    - You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    - Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
    - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    - Every calendar's days are numbered.
    - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
    - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    - He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    - A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    - Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
    - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
    - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
    - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
    - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    - Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de feet.
    - Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
    - A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    - A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
    - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
    - Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
    - I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
    - A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
    - Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    - I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
    - I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
    - If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that mean morality comes from morons?
    - A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    - Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
    - A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    - Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
    - Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
    - Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    - Banning the bra was a big flop.
    - Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    - Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    - A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
    - A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
    - Without geometry, life is pointless.
    - When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
    - Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    - Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
    - When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  13. #13
    Here's three that came to me from friends on the web:

    A Silent Bomb in Church

    An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

    The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

    Will Rogere is alive and well with this one:

    Subject: Hmmmmmmm

    A Herd of cows A Flock of chickens

    The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

    However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

    Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

    I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

    Tidbits of wisdom:

    A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
    sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
    reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is
    frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an

    1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
    you with experience.

    2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
    a garage makes you a car.

    3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    4. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
    fruit salad.

    8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
    to tell you why it isn't.

    9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
    stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
    whole box to start a campfire?

    11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
    train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an
    emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".

    14. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
    successful man is usually another woman.

    16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
    skydive twice.

    17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    18. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
    wish they were.

    19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
    a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
    can't get away.

    21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
    shot of tequila.

    22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
    Department usually uses water.

    23. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
    hit the target.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  14. #14
    Hear the one about this small-town lawyer who was always giving people a "piece of his mind?" Well, he finally gave out the last piece.
    They now call him "Your Honor."

    His first day on the Bench, he was to hear a criminal case. When he called the defendant and asked how he was charged, the Bailiff called out: "The defendant is charged with arson, your honor."
    At this he went into a rage, turned red, wagged his finger at the defendant, saying......"Arson?????.......ARSON?????????...... ...well, I ain't having none of that in my town, boy.........Now you get straight out of this courtroom and marry that girl!!!! YOU HEAR??????
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  15. #15
    Here's the first time on record a lawyer used their skills to help someone and didn't charge for it:


    A dad walks into a market, followed by his ten year old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first, and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  16. #17
    Always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.
    Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ~ Eilie Wiesel

  17. #18
    Why we need to keep working............


    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15 : He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

    3. July 7 : He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4 : Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14 : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15 : Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23 : When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4 : Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10 : While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6 : In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  18. #19
    There's one in every crowd:

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
    trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the
    hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
    dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible
    airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
    they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber
    River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
    gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
    people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
    hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
    time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
    and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
    and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
    remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
    They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
    suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but
    I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
    Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
    Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
    step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
    door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said: "Where'd you get the bad haircut?"
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  19. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Joe Szulczewski View Post
    the classic oxymorons:

    Black Light
    Little Giant
    Hot Water Heater
    Benign Tumor
    Rap Music
    Military Justice
    Military Intelligence
    Bubblegum DooWop
    Kosher Ham
    Honest Lawyer
    jumbo shrimp
    Grace and Lauren