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Thread: Cornball jokes

  1. #61
    During the government shutdown all government employees should change their names to Stormy Daniels. That way trump will make sure they get paid.
    The irony of course is there's no one to process the paperwork

  2. #62
    Any late night talk show staff read this thread? I'm available most days

    That's probably the biggest joke, I'm only available every second Wednesday

  3. #63
    An oldie but goodie from Letterman, back in the day:
    How do you know you're in a bad casino?

    If Trump is anywhere in the name.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  4. #64
    I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb at a local supermarket. Security guard asked "and what are you doing with that?"
    "Some peas, carrots and gravy I think would be nice" I said.

  5. #65
    My wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession to wear different clothes every hour.
    I said "wait. I can change!"

  6. #66
    The next door neighbour kid, Edward, kept hitting tennis balls up on our roof. Finally I had enough and went outside to confront him. It was my first Ted talk!

    I'll do it for you Ace

  7. #67
    If you had Adolph Hitler, Pol Pot and a lawyer in a room; and you had a gun with two bullets, who would you shoot?...…..The lawyer, twice, to make sure.
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  8. #68
    I was asked if I'd like to run the Melbourne marathon. I declined saying I didn't think I had the necessary experience to run such a large organisation

  9. #69
    Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. Years later all you want is a club and a spade!

  10. #71
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  11. #72
    Elvis is getting out of his swimming pool for the 4th time.
    Priscilla says "What's the matter?"
    Elvis says "I can't help falling in, love".

  12. #73
    A lawyer and a physician in ancient Athens were arguing about which profession ranks highest in the pecking order. They took their argument to Diogenese, who immediately started his search for an honest man. After hearing their arguments, he took time off to rule thusly: "Let the thief go first and the executioner to follow."
    Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum

  13. #74
    My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
    The enemy of truth is distortion.

  14. #75
    The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
    The enemy of truth is distortion.

  15. #76
    Id rather regret the things I did than the things I did not do. ~ Francis Albert Sinatra

  16. #77
    Quote Originally Posted by voice1 View Post
    "Donald, duck!"
    After he was elected I heard a lot of people say that. I'm sure they said duck!

  17. #78
    I've just started a dating agency for chickens, but I'm having problems trying to make hens meet.

  18. #79
    since my stroke my short term memory is very bad. Having said that I am looking forward to easter this year. Im doing my own easter egg hunt, Ill hide the eggs wait 30 minutes and spend the rest of the day looking for them

  19. #80
    My memory has got me yelled at a few times as well. The other night I was getting a coffee after dinner and I asked Vicki if she'd like some tea.
    "yes please" she replied.
    I walked back into the lounge a few minutes later with a nice bowl of strawberry ice cream.
    "You idiot" she yelled "I said ham AND cheese"